falling out here

It's tough.

My exgirlfriend and I had a bit of a fight yesterday. She came home with waffles, a nice gesture because she doesn't eat waffles, I do. There were a lot of waffles. Then I found out she had done something that upset me. I should not have been upset. At least, I wouldn't have been upset had I moved out of our apartment two months ago. As was written previously in my blog, I had decided to live with her as a room mate, and if I had it my way, a friend. Things were good, until I got upset.

I apologized sincerely soon after my words were done. She invited me to go with her into town for errands, nice enough, but she said she would not talk any more of what had upset me. I agreed; my exact words were, "I won't ask, you won't tell. What I don't know can't hurt me." To which she replied, "Then maybe I should tell you everything so it hurts you."

Ouch. How uncalled for was that. I hurt, I was really hurt. I told her she could leave without me, that I'd do what I needed to do without her, later. When she left, I locked my computer with a password. I also password protected the screensaver. I was more upset at what she had said than what I inquired her about earlier that hour. I reacted, I removed her access to the social aspects of the internet.

I packed what I needed and left. When she came home, she was angry to find I had locked her out of the computer. To be fair, I had said she could continue to use the computer after our breakup and that should she find she still needed a computer after she and I moved out and went our separate ways that I would allow her to continue to use the same computer in her new home. She phoned me, pleading for me to grant her the password to the computer. She even said 'Please' which almost broke my heart to continue to deny her. I retaliated to her hurtful words when now I know I shouldn't have retaliated at all. At least that's how I feel.

I phoned her back soon after, getting her voicemail, and left her a message with the password. Later, still, I went back to our home and I unlocked the other password protection I had committed; the login screen. She wasn't home when I did this, but she walked in just as I was walking out. Again it hurt me so much to hear the anger in her voice. Nobody deserves to be yelled at, and nobody deserves hurtful words regardless of what another has done. And I expect, after hurtful words have been exchanged, the conscience comes around and that person feels it appropriate to apologize.

Here I am, I apologize in regard to my actions. I'm sorry I retaliated by locking her out of the computer I gave her permission to access. And as such, I think I am being an honourable person when I say (knowing that she has access to read this and I hope she does) that she need not apologize to me. Am I naive in seeing (or thinking I see) the good in all people? I forgive her for her harsh and unexpected words. I could very well just go home, but that would be me causing a thorn in her side. I've paid rent up to the end of this month, I'm entitled to be there. But if she really hates me and wants to cause me hurt like she said she did, I don't think I can go back there.

I want to make the best of the next few weeks. Maybe we'll agree to disagree and I will just move my stuff out next week. Either way, this issue needs to be resolved. I want to talk to her. I want to thank her for the waffles. I want to be comfortable in my own home.

-Story of a lonely guy