Friday, August 02, 2002

Simple Plan - I'm Just A Kid

I woke up it was 7
Waited till 11
just to figure our that no one would call
I think i got a lot of friends but I don't hear from them
What's another night all alone?
When your spending everyday on your own
and here it goes

I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid, I know that its not fair
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
having more fun than me

And maybe when the night is dead, i'll crawl into my bed
Staring at these 4 walls again
I'll try to think about the last time, I had good time
Everyone's got somewhere to go
And they're gonna leave me here on my own
and here it goes

I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid, I know that its not fair
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
having more fun than me

What the fuck is wrong with me?
don't fit in with anybody
How did this happen to me?
Wide awake I'm bored and I can't fall asleep
Cause every night is the worst night ever

I'm just a kid (x5)

I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid, I know that its not fair
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
Nobody wants to be alone in the world

I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid, I know that its not fair
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
Nobody wants to be alone in the world
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
having more fun than me, tonight

I'm all alone tonight
Nobody cares tonight

-Cause i'm just a kid tonight
I've Decided

I'm not boyfriend material. Yes, I'm 'fling' material. I'm good for a week or two of fun, and good fun at that. I am not, however, good for long term relationships unless they are binding. It's proven, I'm husband material. Except that I've never been a husband. So there you have it, I'm husband material, and almost 19 years old. Well, that's what others say about me, anyway.

-Um, yeah and, uh... yeah, whatever

Thursday, August 01, 2002

After some thought

It'd be pretty selfish of me to deny myself, and her, from any opportunities that might occur. I think I wrote something about me wishing on a star, that I hadn't wished on a star in years, but I just had to that one night. Here's what I wished: I wish our relationship is pure gold. That's it, word for word, just replace "our" with "mine and (her name here)'s". Tonight, I made another wish, and I hope this one does come true. I wished her the best of happiness in anything she chooses to do. And I hope my upcoming visit with her isn't going to be totally strange. At least now we're friends, before we had just been minor acquaintances who talked on the phone 2 or 3 times a year. And I still look forward to a possible future with her, if and when we're both ready.

-Much happier now I know what's been going on
It's not like my heart is broken or anything... just chipped a little

So why does it hurt so much. I thought I had found the one girl I could be with for a long long time. I probably shouldn't say this kind of stuff, though, for fear that I'll make myself look like an ass to her. She says she feels like an ass, but she sounds so empty when she says it. Like none of this bothers her. Which goes to show how into making this work, I was. She says there's hope for later, that we will always have 'later'. But, she says, I could be married by then. What the fuck good does that do to me? I really shouldn't be so broken by this. So why does it hurt so much.

Now there's no first kiss. There's no cuddling on the couch. There's no falling asleep together. There's no holding hands. There's just me knowing that she's going to be dating other guys over the course of the next year. We can always have 'later' but I'm afraid of later. We talked about that, once. We were afraid that we would both find partners and that we'd never end up together. It was all a facade, I assume. This is twice I've been broken in the same way, a little more than a year apart from each other. So why does this hurt so much.

-We'll always have our moment
-Soul mates? I can only hope

Wednesday, July 31, 2002

Blink 182 - Girl At The Rock Show

Black and white picture of her on my wall
I waited for her call, she always kept me waiting
And if I ever got another chance I'd still ask her to dance
Because she kept me waiting


-She's so cool, gonna sneak in through her window
Back in the saddle

I made it home last night, on a Tuesday. "Henry" didn't like it too much, seeing how it was late and all. I think it was a good trip, though we could have been home sooner if we drove more and ate less. It got me thinking of my own roadtrip, with a friend. It's not a bad drive... going one way. Knowing that I'd have to go back the other way soon after kinda frightens me because it's a long trip. 2725 miles from Georgia to where I live in BC.

I'm home now, anyway. I got my visiting done today, my sisters, grandparents, family friends, etc. I had to see them all before I leave in a couple days on my vacation to Winnipeg. Yeah, I'll call it a vacation. But I have a habit of working on vacations, so it's not like I'm going to be a lazy ass or anything. I wrote down a "journal" along the way home. "Henry" was calling it my diary, but it's just three white pieces of paper with words on it. That's what I do, that's why I blog. I write down whatever I'm thinking and whatever I'm feeling. Though, I didn't write down my thoughts for myself. No, I wrote everything down for my sweetheart. Hehe, calling her that put a good smile to my face. Anywya, I wrote it for her. So she knows that I thought of her along the way home.

4 days until I'm on the bus. Well, today, being Wednesday, then Thursday, Friday, get on the bus early Saturday morning. Then be there Sunday at dinner time. Unless... unless it's all good that I get on the Friday bus, then I could be there Saturday. But it's all her decision. I can't wait to see her. And here I go again, in deep thought and she'll probably get all scared and run away yelling "You scare me, you freak" because I think about her once in a while. Whee, isn't an over-active imagination fun? I guess it's all about insecurities, which I've had a few of lately. I'm, and this is what I told Delothermum. I'm high-strung, have high-anxiety and I'm on a high stress level right now. She said "Join the club, you should come with me".

Delothermum going to visit her parents tonight, but won't be back until Monday. That would be no good for me, I'll be in Winnipeg on Monday. And it's going to be alllll good. Good good good good. I think I'm going to play some guitar now: Blink 182 - Going Away To College

-I don't want this to be a passing phase
-I've never been good for following trends
-I hope it's the real thing
-I'm always careful with the things I say

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